Ikea. Convenient and Swiss, right?

Ikea is a neat place Full of magic and wonder.

Let me rephrase that.  Ikea is a place…  There was an Ikea built last year out by the airport in Portland, and I had yet to check out this cultural, pseudo-Swiss phenomenon.

So I did.

Walking into this gargantuan building – 250,000 Sq. feet according to the informational brochure, map, menu and coupon book – one is impressed by the fact that it doesn’t seem that big once you get inside.  Indeed, being split among two levels as it is, the foyer is nothing but a blank wall and an escalator, giving more a sense of entering the headquarters of some nameless and probably sinister corporate entity…

The random blasts of high-frequency noise from landing 737’s tends to offset the eerie quiet that pervades a place that is full of pillows, cushions and various and sundry other squishy, soft or fuzzy things.  Talking to someone and asking for directions to the town where they sell stuff that lights up requires more than a little finesse as the vibrations of your voice are absorbed by all of the surrounding simplesolutions to modern living.

Truth be told, even the part of the store that has lots of flat and hard objects – picture frames, tables, etc – is muffled due to the abundance ofaccouterments to those objects, paper drapings and pendants to accentuate your combination multi-pane shadowbox picture frame and bottle opener, 70’s style burgundy shag carpet-esque coverings for your stylish organically-stained coffee table made from 100% recycled non-treated pine, and of course the Pillows that seem to pervade every square inch of every department in this massive homage to American’s desire to fill their homes with cheap furniture.

This place is full of cool stuff, however.  It has some really neat prints, a fairly large selection of small plants (two of which I purchased), and the most amazing shopping carts I have ever seen.  I am serious.  The casters on the carts are full, 360 degree rotating.  You can push them down the aisle in whatever orientation you want.  This may not seem like much to you people, but to someone who has yet to grow out of considering riding the back of a grocery cart down any given aisleendlessly entertaining it is right up there with sliced bread.

Unlike other discount stores, the clientèle of this place is really unremarkable.  I saw and interacted with people from all walks, most of whom were perfectly nice, with the obvious exception of the septuagenarian in the window covering department who obviously thought venetian blinds were more important than getting the hell out of my way; a position with which I adamantly disagree.

Anyhow, My trip to Ikea concluded with the long march to the checkout aisle.  Before I was able to purchase my two plants (Orvile (Aloe Vera) and Wilbur (Unknown green leafy), my new lamp, and the wrong size of light bulbs for said lamp, I was required to walk through the belly of the beast.  For some reason, when you are walking out of the glitzy showroom to the cash registers and deli (Ikea Meatballs are amazing) you walk through a raw, barren warehouse stacked full of 30 foot tall shelving and boxes upon boxes of Swiss furniture that is made in China and marketed all over the world.  It is a bizarre and stark contrast from the glittery showrooms before it, and one that I was not really prepared for.  that being said, I had had enough of being tempted with particle board creations that are reasonably priced, convenient, andwholly unnecessary for a person like me, so I left.

Again, I am not good at conclusions, so whatever.  See you all next time.