To the Jack-Hole in the BMW SUV who looked my car up and donw and snorted contepmtuously at it,
I am writing to make a few things clear to you which I don’t believe are. Indeed, I believe that in your actions you have proven that there is little between us but animosity and thus I believe that I should be allowed to voice my opinion of you as bluntly and publicly as you did to me this afternoon while sitting in traffic on I-84.
I do, as you so glaringly pointed out, drive a vehicle that would be considered by most to be somewhat less than ideal. My car was built in a time of somewhat questionable aesthetic sense. It’s 234,000 miles have been rather unkind to its exterior, and there are some rusty spots and some paint deficiencies. All told she could definitely use a good buff and wax, but couldn’t we all? My vehicle is loud and large and has a tendency to wobble down the highway, and yes, it kind of smells a little like gasoline and hot metal when I put the pedal down. So believe me when I say that I understand your reaction to her looks.
To a point.
All of that being said, the fact that you had the audacity to sneer at me while I passed you serves only to high-lite the negative parts of yoru attitude and the positive sides of the vehicle that I drive. Yes, your car was built in Germany (perhaps Mexico) by German engineers and such. It also cost 70,000 dollars to purchase. Mine cost 55. Your vehicle consumes dead dinosaurs at a rate that would make an Abrams tank blush, but mine can drive halfway across the state on a tank of those same ‘Saurs. Your vehicle screams at the pretense and overall attitude of the person who drives it – in this case your painfully smug ass – while mine shows that America was once good at building cars and that I am secure enough in myself to drive a car that doesn’t glimmer in the sun.
Indeed, sir, I beg you to consider the position that you have put yourself in. By blatantly projecting your upper-class holier-than-thou attitude onto those around you you have firmly cemented a place for yourself in the stereotypes that you probably don’t even know exist. Indeed you are the very epitome of what I hate about the upper-crust Portland elite.
Please take the next possible opportunity to wrap that overly-expensive piece of precision-machined sheet metal around the nearest Oak tree and rid the populace of this glorious city of the prospect of having to deal with your smug attitude and truly, truly terrible comb-over.
Thank you for your time, and I hope desperately that you fall headfirst off the Morrison bridge. The favor of a reply is not requested.
Regards,
-Jeremy Mills-
Whenever I have a less than average day, or even a really fantastic one, reading your musings only seems to make whatever kind of day I had 100x better than it was before my readings.
Love,
JessPANTS!
Wow, I really enjoyed reading this stuff. Just reminds me how smart you really are. It also makes me miss my old friend, alot! I can’t believe that individual, or rather conformists behavior. The way people treat each other or look down on one another. Is one of a million reasons, as I have told you before. That this planet should just be hit by an asteroid and start the fuck over. I do not believe in suicide, but in such a cataclysm I would gladly “take one for the team”. And become extinct. It is individuals like that. Who have the perfect car, family, home in Suburbia, and the high price “family avoiding job”. Sounds perfect right? Than you hear of them being found in their basement with a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. It has happened on more than a few occasions to really overlook. Life suddenly isn’t so perfect? Next time be nicer to people asshole! Good column Jeremy. Sorry I got long winded, Just like you haha!
$tU