Today I ate at Panda Express. Now, put aside any disparaging comments that you may have about the status of my diet; it’s as good as Chinese gets near enough my work to access on my lunch break, and when a person gets a hankerin’, they get a hankerin’.
One of my favorite parts of said Chinese Food is the fortune cookie that you get to eat at the end. Today, I opened my little morsel of clam-shaped pressed cardboard and excitedly waited to see what my glorious fortune was. It said “You shall have pieces of Gold by the bushel.”
Wait, what?
Pieces of Gold?
What the hell is this? I go to eat at a relatively greasy Chinese food chain and all of a sudden I have dubloons in my future? Why could it not be “You will achieve greatness” or “Prosperity will be yours” or “Kate Moss will magically appear in your bed tonight (sans crazy)?” Don’t get me wrong, an increase in monitary income would be nice, but seriously, cookie, you might as well be wishing pieces of eight on me.
Now I don’t know what form my bushel of gold will come in. With my luck it will come in little teeny pieces the size and shape of Hot Tamales that I will have to melt down and turn into doubloons myself. And how am I going to use it? I’m not sure that one can still walk into a store and say “Say, chum, I would like to trade my crazy Chinese fortune cookie pirate money for your goods and /or services.”
Can You?
Anyway, this was the lamest fortune that I have had in a while. I demand that those employed in the obviously not lucrative enough fortune cookie fortune writing profession step up their game, or I’m going to go find me an Esmarelda to tell my fortune. At least that way I might get duckets.
