It has come to my attention (through the lens of the highly accurate and thoroughly researched 1996 Warner Brothers documentary Twister) that I have been going about the issue of chasing tornadoes all wrong. In light of this, I have compiled a short list of things that I am going to change.
-When chasing tornadoes, I wil always hang with the sorely underfunded and ragtag group of “city college of nowheresville Kansas” storm scientists as opposed to the highly experienced, well equipped and scientifically advanced group of government NOAA scientists. Moral victories against the forces of meteorological evil are always better with a winnebago and a TV playing Twisted Sister, things the ‘other’ scientists don’t have.
-Wind powerful enough to throw cows and tractors around are not, apparently,powerful enough to lift the mighty heft of the Dodge Ram. I can only assume that they are made from some exotic superdense metal (forged in the heart of a super-collider) which makes them heavier than a combine that is three times its size. I will henceforth be using one of these as opposed to the tractor that I was using.
-Barns, drainage ditches, culverts, small rises in hills, completely exposed roads with no exits, open fields, hilltops and the home of a laughably homey aunt are all legitimate places to hide from wind. These places are where I will be hiding my rowdy bunch of storm-chasers instead of where we have been hiding; namely anywhere that there is not a tornado.
-If ever actually faced with the threat of being a victim of a tornado strike, pipes sticking out of the ground have been certified as the proper objects to connect oneself to in order to avoid being sucked into the sky. I will thus never stray far from a center-pivot pump-house or farm well. Likewise I will forever keep a leather belt to use when strapping myself to said pipes. This is in direct opposition to my prior plan when confronted with such a situation: running like a little girl.
-Bad guy storm chasers drive black cars. My cars will be painted “bought in 1973 and left in a field to rust for 15 years before being bought by poor storm chasers and driven 60,000 miles a year for 2 decades red”. It brings an air of legitimacy.
These are the things that I will be changing in my habits when putting myself on death’s very doorstep. Just thought you should all know of these changes so that you might be able to implement them in your routine.
You’re welcome.
