American Gladiators has been revamped for the 21st century. Hosted by Hulk Freakin’ Hogan (AKA Hogan, The Hulkster, That guy who rips his shirt while wrestling…) this show takes on the same old image of people getting pummeled half to death in a spectacle of human on human violence sure to keep the throngs happy. All we need is some Romans, a lion and maybe some slaves to murder and we have harnessed the gladatorial spirit of the ancient romans, only with crappy neon spandex costumes instead of sweet angry-looking armor.
Indeed the modern American Gladiators brings back so many of the things that I loved about the original, only now I understand why I loved them. The event where the gladiators fire tennis balls at 100 miles an hour at the hapless
contestants, presumably causing deep tissue bruising as well as head trauma is still there and is still one of my favorites. I love the pseudo-competition in the events, the not (cough) rigged competition that makes you think that they are (cough) in danger. Or something.
Unfortunately gone is the blatant and undeniable American Patriotism that was the original Gladiators. With the red white and blue theme adorning everything from the costumes of the muscle-bound gladiators to the toilet paper in the mens room. Well, probably the toilet paper. We can assume.
Anyway, the basic idea behind the post-cold war, pre-Desert Storm, “we rule” slugfest was to celebrate the power and prowess that was American muscle. We were the big kids on the block, the one who had defeated the Russians (through flawed economic policies and massive defense spending which crippled our economic structure for years after, but that isn’t the point) and the one who no one would dare mess with. Is it any coincidence that the show began along with the presidency of George “I’m the daddy” Bush?
I don’t think so.
In fact the original show brought the Pro-American public attitude of its viewers to a crescendo just in time for us to beat the snot out of Iraq’s Military. It died in 1996 when the need for that much patriotism was no more because we had proved that we had the muscle to deny anyones ambitions if they didn’t align with ours. Well, it was either that or people just realized that the show was overly contrived and kind of lame. Whatever. All of a sudden, right when America needs an injection of “yay-us” and Baghdad is again filing our TV’s there is a new Gladiators, replete with huge, muscle-bound meat-heads firing tennis balls of doom at far smaller opponents and red, white and blue toilet paper (we can, again, assume) coming to the table . Coincidence?
I think not.
All told the new Gladiators brings all of the elements of the original to the table with even less kitsch and far less potential. In fact, the only thing the new AG seems to have in common as far as viewer experience is concerned is the overwhelming feeling that you can smell gym socks while watching it. Seriously.
